Warning: This post is risque, humourous, and incredibly educational. Read at your own risk!
These lessons were given to us a long time ago from a mutual friend, and we have them taped on our wall.
Lesson 1 of 5
A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out, when the Doorbell rings. She quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens the door to Fred, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Fred says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, she drops it and stands naked in front of Fred.
After a few seconds, Fred hands her $800 and leaves.
Wrapping herself in the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks: ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Fred the next door neighbor’ she replies.
‘Great!’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders (and Management team), in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2 of 5
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
As she sat in the car, she could not help but reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
He removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak’.
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3 of 5
A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie pops out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish’.
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world’.
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life’.
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up’, the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch’.
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4 of 5
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5 of 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
This ends the 3 minute management course, now get back to work!